Cream & Sugar: Growth and Regret…and Moms!

A couple of weeks ago, I headed down to Texas to spend a week hanging out with my Mom before the craziness of wedding season got underway! We did the usual…walked her hilarious dogs, ate all kinds of scrumptious food (my Mom’s love affair with cooking happened after she became a vegan, so not only is the food delicious, but super healthy, too!!), went to the farmer’s market, sat out on her deck overlooking the water and drank wine…and talked. We talked about everything. We talked about life. We talked about death. We talked about love and relationships and marriage. We talked about my childhood, her childhood, great childhoods, terrible childhoods. We talked about science and religion and politics. We left no stone unturned and you’d think that we’d have run out of things to talk about, but every single night we’d realize that it was so late that it was actually early and have to force ourselves to STOP talking just so we could go to bed and wake up to begin again! It was the kind of week you just wish would never end and I came home missing her SO much and feeling SO grateful to have the relationship with her that I have.

Which got me thinking about times in my life when we didn’t have this kind of relationship. Not even close. Some of it was my age and it’s corresponding attitude. Some of it was timing and life and circumstances. But my mom and I went through some ugly times on our way to where we are now and I found myself sitting on the airplane home wondering if those ugly times were worth it. I’m perfectly familiar with the cliche about not having any regrets because things brought you to where you are now, but I’ve always suspected that there is a bit of crap in that cliche. You can’t change what’s been, so you have to make the best of it and move forward, whether you wish for a “do-over” or not, so I suppose that being grateful for having made it through and getting to the point where you can apply the cliche is a good thing. But I don’t think a bit of regret is all-bad (note that this does not apply to wallowing in it…) and I confess to having some in my life, especially where it concerns those hard years with my Mom. I regret hurting the ones I love and being too stubborn to admit that I made a bad decision- the completely wrong decision sometimes- and rectifying it as soon as I could. I regret the wasted time, time I can never, ever get back. I regret the lost conversations and the good advice that I forfeited to my pride and the wounds I inflicted that healed, but nevertheless left a scar. I learned from these regrets and I am immensely grateful for the lessons, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I could have learned them in another, less costly, way. The very best lesson that those regrets taught me was to push my own pride and my stubborn-ness out of my way and to dive right in without letting anything get in the way of relationships that important again. And to be staggeringly grateful to have this amazing woman not only as my mother, but as my friend, my mentor, my confidante, my sounding board.

One of the bravest women I know is in the process of losing her own mother to cancer. I am broken hearted for her. I am broken hearted for her mom. I think of her every day and find myself reaching for the phone to call my own Mom, trying to wrest every last second I can out of the time that we have, be it a lot or a little, knowing that even were I to have her for another hundred years, it would never be enough. I know it sounds crazy to think of this as “cream & sugar” but I do…life can sometimes be a bitter, bitter brew, but there is something in the awareness of having come so far, the appreciation that stems from regret, the urgency that comes with loss that makes life a little sweeter, or at the very least bittersweet.

Okay…enough with the heavy…here are a few shots from the visit (yes, they are nearly all of her animals…I come by my obsession with fur-babies naturally!!)…

This is Buddy, the newest addition to my Mom’s pack! He was rescued on the side of the highway and is sadly in poor health, but he’s living up his final days in possibly the best home ever! {I’m pretty sure my Mom spends more money on treats for her animals than she does on food for herself!}

He is so shaggy and silly…SO adorable!

These are “The Girls”…Baby & Tiger (guess which is which!)

This is Cubby! He’s a Border Collie/Australian Shepherd mix who is less than impressed with my camera!

Buddy has adopted Hot Shot, my Mom’s roommate’s cat…they like to rub their heads together- SO freaking cute!!!

Don’t laugh! Okay, you can laugh…the way Buddy stands just cracks me up!

My Mom & I!!

Happy Friday!!

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  • mikaelaApril 26, 2012 - 6:37 am

    Very nice photos of you and your mom cindy!ReplyCancel

  • Jennie StevensonApril 23, 2012 - 9:54 pm

    Beautiful, Cindy. And the photos are wonderful. I’m in love with Buddy. I’m so glad he found your mom.ReplyCancel

  • JustinApril 21, 2012 - 11:14 am

    Well said, my love.ReplyCancel

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